The JJ Malibu Men's Body Chest Harness Stretchy & Adjustable Straps is here and available now in the "New Releases" section on Amazon. Described as "perfect for nightclub, roleplay, or a lingerie night with your partner" the harness is in high demand. In fact, it's already sold out.

I completely get why it's sold out. I know sometimes I feel like my chest may fall off. I've wondered many times, "when will someone create a harness so I can secure my chest to my neck?" I've also wondered aloud, "when will someone devise a strap I can wear that will bring shame on my whole family?"

I don't have to wonder anymore. I just need to wait for the "JJ" to come back in stock. Once it does, I can strut my stuff down Main Street, Danbury like a peacock, a peacock that wants folks to throw rocks at it.

Will you peacock with me? Join me for the world's most embarrassing walk.