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This is the time of year I refer to as the "Malaise Season." The holidays are over, vacations are over and short work weeks are in the rear view mirror. The days are short, the temps are cold and we have got to get back to the grind. This perfect storm of misery can be overwhelming. One of the most painful elements of the "Malaise Season" is boredom. Here are some fun things you can do to counteract said boredom:

  • Make and send awful tasting cakes to friends. Maybe a vanilla cake with ground beef, spaghetti and coffee grinds for instance.
  • Call chain restaurants, tell them you are a wealthy businessperson, money is no obstacle and you'd like to rent their restaurant for a week but they must close to the public. You might want to record this call because it's going to get fun.
  • Attempt to wash a strangers car in a public parking lot. See how long it takes for someone to attack you with nun-chucks.
  • Respond to all conversation prompts by first whispering, "this is the beginning of this sentence." After you say that, you respond in a normal fashion, answering however you normally would. When they ask about why you whispered "this is the beginning of this sentence," you either refuse to respond or act as if you don't know what they are talking about.
  • Type 10 random phone numbers into your phone and start a group text. First apologize to the group for being unresponsive lately and then mention you are really looking forward to the orgy.
  • Text your busiest friend, random preferential questions all day. Ask questions like "do you prefer day or night?" "What is your favorite color," etc. Ignore their requests to stop until they block your number.
  • Use the term "visa-a-vis" incorrectly all day. Example: "I took a ride from Danbury to Brewster yesterday, visa-a-vis bagels."

Enjoy, you are welcome.