Sword attacks, the legitimate ones never happen at a martial arts class or even a fencing match.
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When we read about someone being attacked by a sword, it's usually accompanied by hilarious accessory information. Examples:
Victim was fighting back with a log according to reports.
Alleged attacker blamed their dog.
Witnesses say the argument began over Flaming Hot Cheetos.
Not only are they bizarre but they take place in far off lands, like Riverside, California. That is what brought this question on, a Tuesday (5/16/23) report from Metro 24/7 News. The report states the following:
"Police in California are investigating after a man's hand was apparently cut off with a sword. A severed hand was found on a sidewalk late Saturday night. At about the same time, a man in his 60s checked into a nearby hospital. He was missing a hand and claimed someone had just chopped it off with a sword. No arrests have been made."
That is the news item we were discussing yesterday on the I-95 Morning Show when I wondered aloud, "which Greater Danbury town do you think a sword attack is most likely to happen?" Large Dave responded in a hurry and with confidence: "Bethel." I happened to be thinking the same thing. I couldn't pinpoint the reason but my gut was saying Bethel.
Moments later we had someone validate our guess, they told us THEY had been attacked with a sword in Bethel. The individual who goes by Bridgewater Bumpkin texted the following to the I-95 Rock Mobile app:
"I was leaving a Halloween party and this heavy woman was screaming at my buddy saying, “Show me your balls!!!!”. My buddy called her gross and this guy started demanding an apology. We stated that she didn’t deserve one because she was garbage. The guy was dressed as a ninja so he pulled his sword which and swung it overhead at me. I stepped back and put my hand up kind of assuming it was fake. It was not. It went through my hand between my pointer and middle finger almost to my wrist… we then proceeded to stomp him out."
We read the comment on the air and asked the Bumpkin if he was OK, he wrote:
"So essentially I had to get my hand reconstructed because of my friends large hairy balls."
What are the chances? The chances that we would do the California story, that I'd think to ask such a bizarre question and someone would answer saying THEY were attacked with a sword? Balls? What are the chances balls would prompt a sword attack?
The world us a small and fascinating place. Bethel has the early lead but the question remains..
When I say sword, I pronounce the hell of the W. Give it a shot right now and tell me it doesn't feel amazing.
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