If Thanksgiving were a movie, we could all cast the production with ease. This holiday has more caricatures than it does actual people. Here at the people you will absolutely see at the Thanksgiving table this holiday:

  • "The Thanks-Giver" - The Thanks-giver will insist that you go around the table and talk about what or who you are thankful for. This is a painful exercise for people like me, because I cannot resist the temptation to make fun of this process. The Thanks-giver does not appreciate the jokers contribution. The Thanks-giver is always the person to express that they are thankful for the people around them at the table and the Thanks-giver cries every Thanksgiving.
  • "The Insensitive/Loud Uncle" - This is me and all of my friends, this person will make someone else cry on Thanksgiving. This person will have to issue an official apology before leaving the table and it will be an insincere apology. They don't think what they said was "that bad" but they would rather apologize so they can move on and make more insane comments.
  • "The New Face" - This person is new to the family, they are either a new boyfriend or girlfriend, being introduced to the family or someone's co-worker who has no family in the local area. This person is either boring or trying way to hard to impress, either way, their teeth are always very white for some reason.
  • "Mr. or Mrs. Hates to be Married" - This can be a woman, a man or both representatives from a bad couple. This person or people will talk poorly about their significant other behind their back at Thanksgiving. In extreme cases the person will talk negatively about their husband/wife at the dinner table right in front of their face. This person makes things extremely awkward and there is rarely an appropriate response to their onslaught of insults about the person they are supposed to love.

Prepare for warfare kids, we are in it, so deep because it's Thanksgiving, the most dangerous and terrifying gathering of people all year long.

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