Lou: ‘Sign My Petition to Kick Florida OUT of America’

I think enough was enough a LONG time ago. I could spend all day sighting "Florida Man" moments to make my case, but I don't want to try and convince anyone of anything. You all watch, read and follow the news so you know that this state is an embarrassment to itself and every other in the U.S.

When I first mentioned this on the Ethan and Lou Show, a friend named Michael texted me right away. He said, "Ok, you want Florida out. Voting implications?" I responded by saying, "We kick Florida out and the disruption to our system becomes the impetus to eliminate the electoral college. Now we finally have a popular vote, also that penis shaped mess of a state could never figure out how to vote anyway. Can you say hanging chad?"

If you politically disagree with that, that's cool. I don't even care that much about the electoral college. This is not my real problem with Florida. So allow me to slow down an list the issues that I care most about as it relates to Florida:

• It's a place where SO many people are from somewhere else. I don't like places where everyone is from somewhere else. The ratio is whacked and makes for a nutty soup.
• The people that were actually born and raised there don't like the people that move there.
• The people that move to Florida from the North and Midwest CONSTANTLY send reminders about the weather during the fall and winter months to friends and family back home. That's not too annoying -- we know it's warm there even when it's cold here. You can kick rocks with that nonsense. Nothing interesting, original or awesome about it. Furthermore, it A LOT feels like they are just missing people back home.
• Bacon, egg and cheese! Try and find a good one in Florida. Most places don't even have them. The places that do, suck.
• Florida is devoid of charming architecture with the exception of the super wealthy towns and cities. Architecture and its related charm may not be important to you but it is to me.
• Crime! My God, man, the crime. I'm not here to tell you that Florida is the most criminal state in our union, 'cause it's not, but Florida's the king of nut-ball crime.
• The worst thing about Florida is not the fault of anyone from Florida. No, the worst thing about Florida is people from the Northeast who want to move here and talk about it incessantly. I'm begging you, people, please move. Please leave, the rest of us want you out. Things are busy and clogged enough here. We don't need you in traffic, clogging a lane, we don't need you buying Lotto tickets in front of us at a convenience store when we are trying to buy gas and live our lives. GET OUT ALREADY.

My reasons are mine. They are obviously based on emotion, the operative emotion being anger. I don't care if you agree with my reasons. If you agree that they need to be kicked out of America, please sign my petition.

Florida, you say!?

P.S. Don't tell me not to talk about what I don't know. I lived there -- everyday is not a vacation. Try driving past the beach on your way to work everyday and then tell me about how it's paradise. It's not paradise, it's torture.