Your Beard May Actually Be a Hairy, Tangled Public Health Hazard

The results of a new study says men with beards are carrying more germs on their face than dogs carry in the fur.

According to the Daily Mail, researchers took swabs from the beards of 18 men and from the fur of 30 dogs across an array of different breeds. The men carried more germs than the dogs by a lot and those germs were significantly more dangerous than those found on "man's best friend. In fact, seven of the men had germs in their beards that reportedly had microbes that "posed a threat to human health." Every single beard sampled was "crawling with bacteria."

I recently shaved my beard, much to the dismay of my wife and children. I did not know about this study when I did it, I just needed to let my face breath.

I was sitting at the table last week, eating a cheese sandwich. Suddenly, the sandwich felt lighter and my face felt heavier. I looked down and saw a mangled mess of facial hair holding a ball of cheddar cheese and that was that. Disgusting, I know. This is just what I could see. I didn't even study my microbes. I'm going to be shaving the beard for a while now because learning of this study has made me ill. I'll go back to the beard right around the time I forgot the study was published and I wrote all of this.

P.S. -- Look at the guy in the photo I chose for this story -- just look at him. Dyed grey beard, plum turtle neck, extremely stylized hair and glasses he probably does not need. This guy, this is not my kind of guy. He's probably got the Ebola virus in that beard.

Your face is threatening humanity, bro. The health of world around you is at stake and yet, you smile while draped in plum?