At 2 PM on Thursday, July 25, the Mayor of the great city of Danbury, Mark Boughton, has an official dedication planned for the "Uncle Sam" statue on White Street.

He's had this event on the schedule for some time. I got wind of this and knew that in he simply could not do this moment justice. So I stepped in, moved the time to 8 AM, and delivered on a speech that will echo through eternity. This is the REAL dedication and it was a lot like the J. Peterman Reality Tour:

Big thanks to Public Works Department in Danbury for not throwing us out and tolerating our unannounced shenanigans. Your turn, Mark. Don't screw it up. The complete transcript of the amazing dedication speech is below:

SPEECH TRANSCRIPT:

This is an exciting day for the City of Danbury as we officially recognize our Uncle Sam Statue. The Statue that, for many years was one of the mega structures that would welcome people to the Iconic Danbury Fair.

I'm proud and excited that we have Sam home. I can't take ALL the credit for Sam's return. This was a team effort. We are thankful to the private donors who put their own money into the project, those who donated their time and the Mayor and his office for their work. I won't be taking the credit today.

Although I did talk about it on the radio, a lot and Ethan wrote about it a lot. To suggest we had nothing to do with this project I guess would be silly. Without public attention and the push to get private donations, can we really say this would have ever gotten done? I guess we can't say that. Every movement, every project needs a voice. The Ethan and Lou Show was the voice, the Town Crier, the cheerleader of the project.

I guess what I am getting at is, Uncle Sam is here, thanks to me. It's my gift to you Danbury and I give it lovingly. I think it was the Dali Lama who once said, there can be no progress without reflection.

In Sam we reflect on who we once were and are able to see a future brighter than the brightest star. That star, inevitably has a moon that is capable of sustaining life.

We hope to visit there one day and meet our extraterrestrial brother and sisters. We will mate with these beings and create a super race of interstellar pirates, bouncing from planet to planet pillaging precious medals. What I am saying is Sam, Lama, alien sex, pirates.

Abraham Lincoln once said, "you go back Jack, do it ggain, wheels turning round and round." That's what we are doing here today. We HAVE gone back Jack. We have taken Danbury back in time with Sam, we are doing it again. The wheels will turn round and round. The wheels of progress.

Today I dedicate my Uncle Sam Statue to you the great citizens of Danbury but in a more real sense I dedicate to humanity. The best in all of us, that's what Sam represents. We climb high in the sky on Sam's back. We do it in Red, White and Blue. We do it, all patriotic like. Sam is a symbol, we drive that symbol, riding Sam like a burro in to the heavens with glorious flowing hair, peircing blue eyes, strong backs and healthy blood filled genitals.

Today we claim victory. Danbury marks it's dominance over the surrounding cities and towns. Today Danbury TAKES what is rightfully ours. Today as we officially recognize Uncle Sam's return to Danbury, we do it with a warning to Bethel, to Brookfield, to New Fairfield, to New Milford, a warning to Ridgefield and to Brewster. Your days are numbered. We will claim your territories righteously and in the name of God.

Uncle Sam is here to stay, Danbury is strong. Our Union is strong. Let the war horns sound, let the bells toll for our victory today, tomorrow and forever.

Today I dedicate Uncle Sam to you Danbury. We must also recognize and attach the name of a great man who we could not have done this without. James Van Der Beek. Thank You. May God Bless America but more important may God Bless Danbury, CT.

Let me just finish by saying: You tell em' I'm coming and hell's coming with me you hear? Hell's coming with me?!