It's Halloween, also known as "Get Half Naked Day" and pretend like it's no big deal.

Today/tonight, you will see an attractive lady showing "the goods" at some point. While today can be awesome, it can also be a mine field that needs to be navigated with care. It's a great day for sticking your foot directly into your mouth and destroying your career and/or personal life.

Here are some things you should and should not do:

  • Steal glances - I'll let Seinfeld handle this one.

  • Do not use the costume as an excuse to touch - Do not touch the fabric, not the hat, the shoes, the socks — it won't work. This is a piece of cheese in a rat trap. Don't touch!
  • This is not a day for filthy nursery rhymes. Many costumes you will see today will lend themselves to a dramatic, re-telling of an Andrew "Dice" Clay bit. This will blow up in your face.
  • Don't say, "Where is the rest of your costume?" They will pretend to not get it at first, then they will bring in anyone of ear shot of your comment to confirm what they already know. You will end up in H.R. with no explanation other than "I was joking."
  • Don't ask "What are you supposed to be?" I know it seems like an innocent question, especially if you cannot tell. They already know going in that their costume is so revealing that the theme is unrecognizable. You drawing attention to this gets you into a game of 21 questions that you can't win. Inevitably, you will try and explain yourself. That explanation IS where where you will make your mistake. That's the trap.
  • Don't give any attention to anyone wearing any costume. An adult wearing a Halloween costume is desperately craving attention. You not giving them any will drive them mad. I love upsetting people in such a way that they have 0 recourse. This is a rare opportunity to do that, so take advantage of the opportunity and pretend they are not dressed like Thomas the Train flashing under boob.
  • Take the day off. If you are not there, you can't get in trouble.
  • Put the camera down, DAD. Let Mom take the pictures. Self explanatory.

I've done my part for society today.

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