According to, 42-year-old Thomas Tramaglini was arrested by the Holmdel Township Police Department on Monday. Tramaglini was allegedly busted in a surveillance sting operation trying to catch a "B.M. Bandit." Someone, according to the report, had been pooping daily on the track at the Holmdel High School Football Field/Track.

The human waste was found on a regular basis by a school maintenance worker. Authorities were then notified, the undercover "duke" squad rolled in, set up surveillance, and boom goes the dynamite — they say they catch Thomas Tramaglini "Doing the Doots." Again, these are all allegations at this point.

Here's the weird thing — Tramaglini is the superintendent of the nearby Kenilworth School District. Huge Twist. That's a mind-bending wrinkle only the writers from "Lost" could have come up with.

Let's say for a second I am the cop assigned to "clear this case." Now let's assume the facts in the article are true, even though, again, they're just alleged at this point. This means, I have him on video for the most recent poop. So, in my eyes, I got him on one count of "eliminating in public." That's nice and all, but I'm an ambitious guy, and I want to tie him to the whole string of crimes. I need to make a case that he's the guy behind all of the stinkies. Did he drop habitual daily diggities? He just needs opportunity and motive, and I need to establish that he had both.


A quick scan of the facts, a few reasonable, educated assumptions, and this seems like a no-brainer there's an opportunity here. He's an educator, who maybe likes to jog, has an irritable bowel, and has experienced some "emergencies" during his workouts. But wait, he's the superintendent of a school 30-plus minutes away. A quick Google search gave me this info:

Google Maps
Google Maps

Kenilworth Public Schools are pictured on the top there. This is the district where Mr. Tramaglini is the superintendent, according to the article. At the bottom of the map, you will see Holmdel Township, where the incident(s) is said to have taken place.

Let's say, for argument's sake, all he does is leave home, drive to Holmdel Township, poop, and then go to work in Kenilworth. According to other reports, he actually lives closer to the Holmdel School Dictrict than the one he oversees. So maybe a 5-minute drive to the track, a 5-minute poop session, and a 30-minute drive with no traffic. He's got to leave his house at 7:50 to make it to work on time. This is BEST case scenario.

If he's jogging, say 30 minutes, he's got a minimum of 1 hour and 10 minutes invested here just to make a "deposit." He's got the opportunity, I guess, but the work that goes into all of this really makes the motive question that much more interesting.


The most reasonable answer is, in the suspect's mind, "I jog there, I gotta poop when I jog, when ya gotta go, ya gotta go." This is a pretty common thing, and there's an explanation from SHAPE magazine as to why in their article, "Why Does Running Make You Poop?"

But what if that is not true of this particular suspect? What if he does not jog there? What if he is one of the lucky people who does not get "giggity pants" when he jogs? If the simplest answer does not apply here, then figuring out the motive is a tough one.

Some typical criminal motivators are revenge, personal vendetta, jealousy, sex, greed, frustration, drug use, etc. From those, revenge jumps right out at me. What better revenge can you get on someone than to bring poop to their front door?

After examining this case from all angles, I want to believe we have a jogger who possibly has a cheese allergy and does not know it. If it's not as open and shut as that, I don't want the case anymore. We are going to have to enlist the services of a P.P. or Poopy Profiler.

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