Construction on the Tappan Zee Bridge started in 1952. It came down in 2019. Those words right there should have been the most words ever written about this bridge, but as we all know, this was certainly not the case. I tried to ignore everything related to this bridge being replaced over the past few weeks, and could not.

This was the news story that would not die and for the life of me, I will never understand why? I mean, I'm sure there are engineers out there who get turned on by this sort of discussion. That is fine and completely understandable — it's their game, their business. They may talk about what a marvel it was when it was built, what a miracle it was that it lasted as long as it did, blah, blah, blah. Why do the rest of you care?

I'm not being an a-Hole, I swear — not intentionally at least. I just want to know what kind of skin your average Joe has in this game. In other words, "what's it to you?"

It's a bridge. It's a bridge that needed replacing, they replaced it and here we are. If there is ONE interesting thing about it, it's that they changed the name to the "Gov. Mario M. Cuomo Bridge." This is the ONLY interesting thing about this story and in my opinion, it's B.S. How can you change it from the Tappan Zee? This name carries great weight and distinction. As we all know, the bridge was named after the popular 1980s hairband by the same name from Pearl River, NY in Rockland County.

Who could forget all the hits that "Tappan Zee" cranked out back in the day? Amazing songs like:

  • "Baby, Please Don't Go (You Got That Good Lovin, Baby, Have My Baby)"
  • "Thunder Balls"
  • "Chainsaw Bitch"
  • "Monkeys With Butter Knives"
  • "Mrs. Shelton S--t Her Pants"
  • "Jimmy's Got a Thing for Melissa"

Those were all so great. We thought they were done after that too, but no, they found a second act with their Christian hits in later years. Jams like:

  • "Faithfully Being Faithful To My Faith"
  • "If It's Good Enough for Emmanuel, It's Good Enough for Me"
  • "BethleHEM my pants"
  • "Cane Is Stable"
  • "Moon Walk the Water" (Sampled beat from "Walk the Dinosaur")

It's a travesty to change the name to the "Governor Mario M. Cuomo Bridge." He barely charted.