Recently I was super bored and got to wondering what people smoke other than cigarettes and weed so I Googled "Things You Didn't Know You Could Smoke", and wow the results were surprising. First of all, I meant drugs and second of all, I had no idea how much people love smoking their food.

We've all heard of and have enjoyed smoked meats but what else do people smoke? Everything is the answer, absolutely everything. They smoke apples, mangoes, pears, mac and cheese, nuts, eggs, potatoes, oysters, olives, sea scallops, hard cheese and capers. If you can grow it or kill it, some nut-job is smoking it right now, both slow and low.

I liked smoked meats man, I do, I can always get down with some smoked brisket. Here is where you lose me as a smoked food consumer, talking about it.

Something odd happens to people's brains when they cook something for an entire day, they can't stop talking about it. These are the things the "smokers" will do and say to you after they have smoked a thing:

  • They will say "you have to try it."
  • They will tell you how many hours they smoked it.
  • They will say the word "smokey" like a hundred times.
  • They will stare at your face and lips while you eat it.
  • They will tell you what their smoking method used to be versus what it is now.
  • They will tell you where they bought their smoker or how they built their smoker themselves.
  • They will tell you how simple it is to do and encourage you to do it.
  • They will say that the secret is the quality of the ingredients.

I can't tell you enough how much stress I experience when someone offers me smoked meats. I know what is coming next and I find it to be very unpleasant. It's too much to have to go through, all of these things just to eat something. The "cons" far outweigh the "pros", I don't care how delicious it is.

I don't want someone staring at me while I eat, explaining how long they did something or encouraging me to do anything. I'll stick with foods that have not been smoked. I'd much rather eat food I don't like than go through this very predictable dance.

Smoke whatever you want, just leave me out of it.

P.S. If you eat smoked food and make weird sex noises, you should be locked in jail for the rest of your life. 

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