CT Googles ‘How to Get Fired’ More Than Any Other State in America
Zippia set out to determine the weirdest job-related things that people searched online. The study looked at a list of 1,000 unique job-related searches and then examined Google Data for each one in each state for the year. Connecticut's was weird. People in the Nutmeg State wanted to know how to get fired from their job.
Some states behaved pretty normal, for instance, Maine was in search of "odd jobs". Folks from Virginia were seeking the "least stressful jobs" and Nevada wanted "desk jobs."
Who in the hell doesn't know how to get fired? This is so easy, I've thought about it a lot. Here are some of my fantasy "getting fired" methods:
- Sleep with all of the consenting adults you can gather from your bosses family. I mean, try and "catch em' all" like Pokémon cards. Wife, husband, cousin, aunt, uncle, there are no boundaries. Do your worst.
- Shout "Liar" every time your direct boss speaks in a meeting and do it LOUD. You wait patiently, act professionally and await their turn. The big boss will turn it over to Martha or Carl and you go bananas! After they utter their first syllable, you belt out "Liar" in the most guttural manner you can muster.
- Use your key to gain access to the office after-hours, bring in as many degenerate relatives as you can and encourage them to "stay as long as they want". Tell them this offer is good until they "get back on their feet". Hand out a few pillows, some snacks and leave your phone number on your bosses desk with a note that says "Questions? Give me a ring anytime."
- Call old-school phone sex lines from your desk. They still exist. I just googled it.
- Say "absolutely" every time you are asked to do something by a superior, follow that up by shadowboxing with an angry face and maintaining eye contact with them the entire time.
- Deface your bosses inspirational poster with a colorful series of phallus's.
- Whenever someone says, "think outside the box," you follow that up with the words, "oooh, junk in the trunk." This is going to take a ton of patience on your part but it will be the most satisfying moment of your life when you pull it off.
These are the ways grown-ups get fired, not by googling "How to Get Fired."
P.S. Is there something I need to know about unemployment benefits in CT? Why are people looking to specifically get fired versus quitting? Maybe there is some cash grab loophole and Connecticut is just handing out fat stacks of dough at double the national average.
I was just being funny, I know there is no such outrageous benefit in our state. I know this because I know plenty of people who are out of work and desperately seeking employment in the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic. So, the next time you search "How to Get Fired," just remember there are tons of people in the state that will gladly jump right into your spot.