I want to wake up, and I want to sit in a chair in the shade and drink Jack Daniel's. I want to be served a gigantic chicken cutlet sandwich on a loaf of Italian Bread.

I want to finish my Jack and my ginormous sandwich, and then take a three and a half hour nap. When I rise from my nap, I want to be served another Jack Daniel's and giant chicken cutlet on Italian bread. When that is done, I want to go to bed for the evening.

WHAT I DON'T WANT:

  • A card
  • A gift
  • To drive anywhere for any reason
  • To get together in a large group of any kind
  • To get dressed up
  • To carry anything
  • To listen to anyone's feelings, concerns or problems
  • To be asked any questions
  • To hear the term "good news, bad news."
  • To make anyone any food
  • To clean anything
  • To have to repeat myself

Above all, it is spelled out as clear as day, in black and white, what I want, and what I don't want. If certain people in my life choose to ignore this, as they always do, they can expect a little more than a bad attitude. Yes, I probably sound like a jerk. But I don't care, because I know that I'll end up dressed up, driving places to meet in a large gathering of people, doing all the things I don't want to do, and absolutely none of the things that I want. Happy Freaking Father's Day.