How to Cope When Danbury Drops Into the Deep Freeze
Danbury, along with most of the Hudson Valley, are bracing for a severe dip into the deep freeze tonight. Here's a list of helpful suggestions to guide you through this beastly weather blast.
1. Purchase 25 loaves of Wonder Bread per person and duct tape them around your body. Not only will they keep you nice and toasty but will act as a cushion if you should fall in your driveway. Thanks to Lou for this one!
2. Do Not wrap your arms or legs with electric heating tape. This will prevent your body from going up in flames.
3. If you're using a propane heater should the electricity go down, crack a window so you don't die from carbon monoxide poisoning, and definitely do not wheel your propane fueled gas grill into the living room.
4. If you need to dress your pets in warm clothing, PLEASE do not take cutsie photos and post them on Facebook.
5. If someone should ask you if you want to build a snowman, the correct answer is, "No, I don't want to build a f**king snowman, I want to build a sand castle on a beach in the Caribbean!"
6. I've heard that smearing yourself in goose fat keeps you nice and warm, plus it comes off pretty easily, except inside your belly button. Vaseline Petroleum Jelly can be used as a substitute if there is no goose fat available, but it's tougher to remove from human skin so hunker down all you snow troopers. You can survive this!
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