The lady listeners of the Ethan and Lou Show will sometimes tell me their husband is just like me. I hear it a bunch of times each year, and if that is the case with you, then you need to read my Father's Day wishlist and take notes.

There are a lot of reasons why I feel like I am getting crazier each and every year. Maybe it's the many children I have, maybe it's the stress of coming up with new ways to present ass humor five days a week, and maybe it's just because the world we live in is mad as hell. Whatever the reason for my brain splintering like an old dry piece of wood, I am getting weirder by the day. This year, my Father's Day wishlist is super weird, and I am OK with it:

2017 wishlist:

  • Gary Sanchez T-shirt - Not weird but I want it.
  • Pajama jammy jam - For those who don't know what this is it's a party. People wear their pajamas, you eat awesome foods, listen to 90's music, drink a little drink and smoke a little smoke.
  • The Orbitrim weed wacker - This is one of those "As seen on TV" products and it looks amazing. I use my weed wacker a lot. I work on my lawn a lot. It is my pleasure to do so and the weed wacker I have, like most sucks and I have to change my string all the time.
  • The DrinkNap - This is the newest thing out. I came up with it and I am pretty proud of it. This is a 24 hour session where a guy drinks and sleeps. The ratio of drinking to napping is different from guy to guy but those 24 hours are his. I will not be getting this for Father's Day but a man can dream.
  • Massage parlor role play - Self explanatory
  • A day without questions - Dad spends a lot of time answering questions. Let him off the hook for a day. He's tired from answering these questions, having everything falling apart based on the answers he gave and then being told he answered wrong.
  • Affection with a destination - This is a new term I have come up with.The ladies like to exchange affection with their man but sometimes they want that affection to be for the sake of the affection. They want to know that they can show love, be shown love and not have it take a sexual turn. Father's Day is a time for showing affection with a destination. That destination is CHINATOWN. Give your dude a smooch and then take him down to CHINATOWN.
  • Let it go chip - Give your man a literal, physical, fake piece of currency. This is the "Let it go" chip. When he hears you go off on a tangent and says "Let it go" he presents you with the chip and you don't bring it up for the rest of the day.

That is my Father's Day wishlist for 2017. I might get some of what I want but not all. Any of it will be better than none. I wanted to share it with you in hopes that it could possibly help out one of my brothers from another mother. Happy Father's Day to all my guys out there.