Police: Connecticut Man Robbed a Bank to Impress Taylor Swift
According to TMZ, a local man robbed the Webster Bank on Division Street in Ansonia last Wednesday. Thanks to surveillance video and eye witnesses, that man was identified as 26-year-old Bruce Rowley of Derby, CT. Mr. Rowley then allegedly drove to Taylor Swift's Rhode Island residence, and tossed some of the stolen cash over the fence to "impress" her.
A press release from the Ansonia Police Department says that once Rowley's jeep was entered into a nationwide data based as wanted, Rhode Island State Police spotted him driving, but Rowley reportedly refused to stop. Once the jeep crossed the state border into Connecticut, spike strips were thrown down, stopping Rowley, and he was taken into custody. Police say that Rowley confessed to the bank robbery.
Seems like a slam dunk plan. Nothing to see here, just a dude from Derby "closing" one of Hollywood's hottest pop stars. If history tells us anything, it's that women who are gorgeous, talented, multi millionaires love bat S--- crazy dudes from Derby who commit crimes and toss stolen cash at their house.
Let's get real here, Mr. Rowley. This was not the path. You're, allegedly, doing it all wrong, Broseph Gordon-Levitt. I have believed for years that regular guys DO have the ability to end up in relationships with beautiful, famous women, and it happens to be easier than you think. In fact, I have a 8 part plan on how to romantically win over for your Hollywood crush, and it goes a little something like this:
- Proximity - MOST IMPORTANT - I am of the belief that this is the actual hardest part. You need to move to Hollywood.
- Be employed in the industry - So you got a thing for Sandra Bullock? You get a job at the Warner Brothers studios as a "Gaffer" or dare I say "Best Boy." Angle for a job on an upcoming motion picture your crush will be working on — You are going to want to be reliable and work hard. This way, you can angle for a specific project.
- Do something nice for someone - Do something nice for another person in front of your crush.
- Be funny - This is important, you will need to land a huge laugh in a group setting before you can start the ball rolling on asking her out.
- NEVER MENTION SEX - Nothing to do with sex. No body parts, no nothing about sex. Even if it comes up in a group setting, you ignore it. Act like you are above this type of activity — hilarious.
- Compliment an article of clothing - When ladies do this to men, they think they are being slick. When she says she likes your shirt, she means I like your chest. You can tell them you think they are physically attractive without mentioning anything about their body or face.
- Ask her out for coffee - If you have checked all of the above boxes, you can ask her out for coffee now. Next thing you know, you're on TMZ, holding hands with your Hollywood crush, and everyone regular-ass dude in the world is asking "who the hell is that guy?"
This is actually all the same stuff I would tell any guy about trying to date any lady. The tough part is the getting to Hollywood, getting a job in the industry, and learning what the hell a "gaffer" does. Get to gaffin'!
P.S. - The blatant arrogance of this blog does not escape me.
P.S.2 - I have an unmistakable urge to hear Mr. Crowley right now.
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