Townsquare Media Danbury Employee of the Month Yet to be Apprehended For Stapler Theft

Yesterday, I was named the Employee of the Month here at Townsquare Danbury. How did I celebrate my dominant victory over my co-workers? By stealing their staplers, of course. There are a few not pictured here that have been hidden in secret locations. Those staplers come complete with ransom notes containing specific demands for their safe return.

There are 8 staplers in hidden locations, and the demands for their safe return include:

• Stapler 1 - A framed, autographed photo of Scott Baio
• Stapler 2 - A macaque monkey
• Stapler 3 - A never opened, mint condition copy of Don Johnson's album Heartbeat
• Stapler 4 - A carafe of saliva from Harry Hamlin
• Stapler 5 - A copy of Beauty and the Beast - That's just a really good movie
• Stapler 6 - A steering column off of a 1978 Dodge Charger
• Stapler 7 - A meet and greet with Gene and Joan and who knows who.
• Stapler 8 - Ted Williams' frozen head

I have been observing my co-workers carefully, and from afar. They seem confused and frustrated reading their ransom notes. I'm not sure what they make of it, but I can tell you this; this staple-free work zone has descended into chaos.

I caught one desperate employee bringing in a stapler from home. They even shared it with a few of their cell mates back there in the office. I waited until after hours, stole it, and it is gone forever. They will never catch me, and they will be staple-free until my ransom demands are met.