This Just In: Brad Pitt Flirts Like a Boss

Why would I write about how a dude flirts? Good question. I respect greatness, that simple.

This guy IS greatness. I know a lot of people have been critical of his acting. I like it, and oh, what a life he has, and has had!

Does a dude who is rich, good looking and "dumb famous" need to be a good flirt? Of course not, but guess who is? Brad Pitt, that's who. That's the difference between guys like him and mere mortals. According to Page Six, Brad Pitt was caught flirting with a woman at a coffee shop in L.A. Here is what the paper says he did:

“He arrived by motorcycle, wearing sunglasses, jeans and a leather jacket,” a spy tells us. Pitt struck up a conversation with a blonde in line: “She was acting overly bubbly and looked a little like Kate Bosworth, but it wasn’t her,” our spy says.

When the woman said, “I’m Lydia,” Pitt “put out his hand and said, ‘Hi, I’m William.’ She replied, ‘Oh, you look like a Bradley.’ And he responded, ‘Well, that’s my middle name’ and smiled and winked at her.”

As Lydia exited she said, “‘Nice to meet you, Bradley … I mean William.’ He laughed to himself, then got on his bike.”

I mean, just electric material here. Its genius is in its simplicity. Most guys have to make their presence known, try to get attention, not Brad. He knows it's coming and he plays it just right. Gives a fake name that happens to be his real name, shoots a wink and a charismatic laugh, and it's over.

This is supposed to be a family website, so I can't go into great detail speculating on what this interaction did to this lady both physically or emotionally. Let's just assume, fairly, she felt things in her heart, mind, and body that she never has before, and never will again.

I mean, she was going to feel things anyway when Brad Pitt, fresh off a motorcycle, wearing a leather jacket and no doubt wearing a fancy scarf, talks her up. He could not help but put a Mortal Combat-like finishing move on her with the misdirection and wink. Classic Pitt.

I hate the Patriots, but when I look at Tom Brady, I see a guy that knows how to live life. This is the level I am talking about — Brady & Pitt level stuff. I mean, it's rarefied air. In fact, if you are not one of the two, you won't taste that air. They could have reached the heights they have, and gotten lazy on a few things. This story proves to me Pitt will not sleep in any area of his life. A1, Alpha Dog behavior like you read about. RESPEK!

The accentuation piece below contains offensive language. If that is "NOT OK" with you, don't watch it:

Now I'm going to get douche-tastic.

Since you don't have access to flirting tips from Brad Pitt, I'll share mine. It is a three part plan. Just three parts, but it requires your best energy and focus. All three items must be accomplished within the first 15 minutes of meeting a woman. "2-out-of-3" does not work here.

#1 - Prove you're a decent human being, and do it fast — You have to do something nice for someone else (not her) in front of her. This can be a small gesture, like picking up a dropped pen or holding a door.

#2 - Listen. Not pretend to listen, actually listen — One-on-one or in a group setting: She will say something about her day. Something small, nothing revealing. This is when you:

• A - Act fast. Ask a follow up question. A question that takes her one step further into getting more personal, and again, listen.
• B. Wait until she is finished answering, and ask another follow up. Make sure to listen again. It's important to shut up right now and JUST LISTEN. Do not interrupt, and don't, under any circumstances, use the words "me", "mine", "my", or "I." It's also HUGE if you can retain any or all of the information shared from these very important moments. If you can, and you secure a date, bringing up the things you remembered from this conversation WILL BE HUGE.

PAUSE - Steps 1 & 2 are complete? You are almost there, right? No. You're not even half way there. So far, you have showed that you are a nice guy who is a good listener. Good for you. There's plenty of those dudes collecting dust. Now comes the hard part — the often awkward and embarrassing part.

#3 - Make it crystal clear you are sexually attracted to her, but do it in her language. The "her language" thing is the challenge. You have been speaking "man-douche" your whole life, and now you have to speak a new language on the fly. To do that, you must:

• A - Touch her in a non-threatening, legal manner. I suggest a touch on the shoulder after something funny has been said (oh yeah, and always be funny). They are signs people, this is a deliberate one to ladies.
• B - Compliment her looks in a non-threatening manner. Limit it to hair or smile on the first time out. You can even do clothing choices if you secured the shoulder touch — she will get the point. You want to avoid forcing the compliment. Don't just shout "YOU'RE PRETTY!" Set the table for surface conversation about looks and clothing. A great way to do this is to make a self-deprecating remark about your physical self. 99.9% of the time here she will respond by making her own self deprecating remark about her appearance. Something like: "I know, I just ran out of the house, I look like a mess." That's your "IN"!  "No, you are very pretty." This is verbal gold.

That's all I leaned about life after 38 years. I'm not proud that all I know about is this and sports, but it's true. Also, it's very likely that I don't know what the hell I am talking about. Now I'm going to take a shower because I just realized I wrote a blog on how to flirt with women, and I am coated in a thick layer of douche juice. What a loser.