The Fabulous Farts of Connecticut
I was shopping at a supermarket in Naugatuck over the weekend, when it hit me. This was no ordinary fart, this was one straight off of Rubber Avenue. A Naugatuckian had crop-dusted the frozen food aisle. Oh, man, it was brutal. I said to Mrs. Large, through gritted teeth, that this type of smell could only have come from one place -- Naugy.
The unique combination of Naugatuck's history and surroundings makes for a potent brand of flatulence -- 1 part Peter Paul/Cadbury, 1 part Naugatuck River, and 1 part Mountview Plaza makes for a strong wind.
I started imagining what farts would look/smell/sound like from other Connecticut cities and towns.
The Danbury Fart is a noxious brew. You'll notice hints of Elmer's Diner and Jim Barbarie's, a dash of 5 PM gridlock on White Street, and subtle undertones of Danbury Fair mall walkers. On a warm Spring day, clouds of Danbury Fart can be seen coming out of WestConn dorm windows.
The Greenwich/Stamford/Norwalk Fart is very rich. Only the finest of legumes pass through these stomachs. Exotic rare plants from the Upper East Side merge with Metro North Railroad hot dogs, creating an intense air biscuit. There's an easy way to get a Greenwich/Stamford/Norwalk Fart to ignore you, just make eye contact.
The New Haven Fart is an educated creature with an Ivy League pedigree. It hits you, teaches you, and then gives you a delicious pizza. You'll notice hints of the men's room at Toad's Place, drunk Summer nights at Bar, and Caseus cheese.
My hometown, so I'm very familiar with these. Waterbury Farts have a heavy funk of past political corruption, San Marino Puttanesca, and Mt. Carmel Feast fried dough. They sound like a 1998 Honda Accord with a missing muffler and a coat hanger for a radio antenna.
The most overwhelming Connecticut Fart. You never hear them coming, you're too distracted by the cigarette smoke and all of the bells ringing. With essences of Metamucil, sashimi, and old dudes with young escorts, the Ledyard/Uncasville Fart opens your wallet, takes all of your money, and leaves you scraping for a $5 bottle of water.