Chances are good you've been through this nightmare too. My own personal lunatic calls me up to three to five times a day from a phone number which is always accompanied with “Unknown Caller” below it. I have no idea how he got my number. Maybe Satan somehow got it to him in an attempt to steal my soul away. A quick Google check on the number and it turns out it’s a telemarketer who somehow got my information.

I often wonder what mentally sound human being could possibly find themselves in a place in their life where they actually become THAT guy. The guy who calls us innocent unsuspecting victims every day over and over despite how many times we don't respond.

So in the spirit of being mentally unsound, I give you my fantasy scenarios for telemarketers.

1. Have him buried from the neck down on the goal line of Met Life Stadium during a Giants game in the middle of a frigid-cold blizzard. You’d have to think at some point a 350 pound linemen would fall ass down right on this guy’s bug-eyed face.

2. Hogtie him and place him in a pen of angry Boar’s. Nothing like watching these adorable pigs getting their tempers flared up and going to town on human flesh.

3. Stick him in a cell with a record player, The White Album and Charles Manson. HELTER SKELTER BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. Tie him to a chair, then carefully place him in a rat-infested sewer with freshly shorn cheddar cheese evenly placed over his nude body. No rat can resist this tasty treat.

5. Dress him up like a baby seal and let him take a refreshing swim in the ocean. To be fair, give him a choice of locations as long as he picks somewhere in coastal waters with large concentrations of Great White Sharks such as South Africa, Japan, United States, New Zealand and Chile.

6. Take him to the next Running Of The Bulls event in Spain. Tie his feet to two immovable cinder blocks, place him in the street directly front-and-center, eye-to-eye with the angry bulls. Oh yeah, he’s wearing nothing but a pair of plastic bull horns strapped to his head.

7. Send him to an upcoming speed metal festival with pink spandex and a tank top that reads “Miley Cyrus rocks” on the front and “Speed Metal Sucks” on the back. Oh yeah, see to it that he sticks his tongue out…Miley style!!!

8. Take him to the zoo. Stick a banana up his ass and throw him in the cage with the angry gorillas. Let your imagination run wild.

9. Put him in the bleacher seats of Yankee stadium with a Red Sox ball cap, a little nerdy Red Sox pennant and a shirt which reads, “If you’re a Yankee fan you’re a fairy.”

10. Put him in the bleacher seats of Fenway Park with a Yankee ball cap, a little nerdy Yankee pennant and a shirt that reads, “If you’re a Red Sox fan you’re a fairy”.


Now since none of those ten scenarios will ever happen without a helluva price to pay both in this life and the next, I will tell you to just go to the National Do Not Call Registry website instead and hopefully this will put your own personal nightmare to rest.

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