This is not a position anyone wants to be in. You just don't want to have to fight a naked man if you can avoid it. It's literally my worst fear. The police don't have a choice. Sometimes people get naked and commit crimes and the authorities have to act. Most regular folk however are rarely put in a position where this would even be a possibility.

So the question really is under what circumstances would you feel compelled to fight a naked man? Here are the only ones I can think of:

Scenario #1 - You just caught your wife cheating on you and there the guy is naked as a Jay Bird. This is the most reasonable of all the scenarios I can come up with to fight a naked man. I mean, do you even have a choice?

Scenario #2 - There is a locker room dispute over the last towel. This one is not worth it. You are better off walking out of the gym in your birthday suit than fighting a nude fella.

Scenario #3 - You work security at a sports complex and a man streaks naked across the field. This just became your problem. Someone has to put a stop to him flipping and flopping in front of 20,000 screaming fans. I would hang up my fluorescent vest that day. This would be the end of my security career.

The fact is no one wants to have to do this, EVER. Sometimes you are faced with extraordinary circumstances though and extraordinary people rise to the occasion when called upon. If you ever find yourself in any of the above scenarios, here are some tips.

  • Stay on your feet - I don't care how strong your ground game is. I don't care if you were trained in mixed martial arts by the Gracie's, stay on your feet. I can think of no worse mistake you can make here than slipping and falling. You could end up with an unfortunate face full of bologna. No one needs that.
  • Keep your eyes up - If you happen to catch a glimpse of your opponents privates your mental game will be shot. He's in your head at that point and you have already lost the fight.
  • Use every inch of reach God has blessed you with - You need to keep your opponent as far away as possible while still being able to inflict a proper amount of damage.

If you ever end up in one of these terrible and highly unlikely scenarios just know my thoughts and prayers are with you. Godspeed.