They always tell you to lead with the positive, so I will do just that. I love apples, I love fall, I love the idea of cruising a local farm. Those are all positive, cool things. The apple picking activity, however, is a huge scam.

Here are my reasons:

  • Apple picking is no pumpkin picking - The pumpkin thing, I kind of get — we are all going to get a pumpkin to decorate for Halloween, and at this point, I miss pumpkins. I do not miss apples. I have a fresh bowl on my counter all year 'round.
  • It's wasteful - You are out there picking apples, and you figure, "Hell, I might as well buy six dozen." Then. you end up eating one apple, you make an apple pie, and the other 50 apples end up in a rotten pile.
  • You pay for the right to do the work - It's like having season tickets to the Giants. You pay a PSL, or personal seat license, just for the right to buy your own seats. Apple picking is the same. You pay for the right to get on the land to get the apples, do the work yourself, and THEN pay for the actual apples.
  • The up-sell - It's not enough to buy the apples, they up-sell you with cider, donuts and pies.
  • People - It's the thing to do this time of year, so you are inevitability surrounded by awful, terrible people. They are the worst.
  • It's butt-cold out - Whatever day you choose, it's colder than ass out there, and the wind is whipping in a very nautical fashion.

All that said, I'll see you out there. My wife will make me go.

If you see me, and you are a like-minded person, just look at me and we will nod at each other. It will be a silent, mutual recognition that we both love our families enough to do one of the dumbest activities on Earth.